Penny Writes Home

Dear Humans:

Above is a picture of me and my new best friend Bella. In case you forgot, I am the small, dark one, peaking around the pole. Bella was really glad when I arrived, as she was living all by herself. She used to hang out by the fence so she could talk to the cows in the neighbor's field. All that changed when I came. We made friends right away. I hardly even noticed when you left. I'm not sure I even remember who brought me here. What are your names again?

Things are good here. I haven't seen any of those frightening animals they call "cats." The food is delicious, there is lots of grass, a toasty shelter and people are nice to me. I do miss my cousin Annie and I wish I had some more chickens to watch. You probably haven't noticed it, but I think that big black one is maybe a rooster. It has a strange way of looking at the hens. And two of them might be sick. The poor things are laying blue eggs. Annie wrote recently to tell me that she is doing well and living in Appomattox. She has developed an interest in analytical chemistry and is taking courses on-line. She's hoping to patent a process that produces cheese directly from the cow, skipping all those unpleasant intermediate stages having to do with fungi. I knew you'd be pleased to hear that.

How is everything on the farm? How are Mom and Bessie? Before I left, I heard them whispering about someone named "Son of Fat Louie." I had to put my hooves over my ears. I don't want to worry you, but there is a picture of him hanging in the stalls in the red barn. I also heard the name "AI Tech" and then lots of giggling. It's probably none of my business, but you might want to check your phone bill for long distance calls to Ohio. This just can't be good. And do you think it wise to encourage a relationship with someone who has, at least on the face of it, a genetic predisposition for excessive weight gain? I think Bessie is a really bad influence. When no one is looking, she gets all painted up and then looks for ways to get out of the fence. I think she's headed for trouble.

I hope all the horses are okay. The blind ones in the paddock next to us were nice, especially the really old girl who speaks "cow." I don't miss the "minis," though. They were mean to us and called us names through the fence. I told them that one of these days, I am going to grow up to be twice as big as they are, then I am going to come back over there and butt their little equine behinds so hard they won't land until they reach Mecklenburg. I am cow. Hear me roar. The little creeps.

I have observed some troubling developments in the economy lately. The GDP has declined sharply, the unemployment rate is still rising and we appear to be headed into a protracted recession. This is a good time for you to invest in bonds, buy undervalued stocks, keep your money in interest-bearing money market accounts and diversify your portfolio. Also, I think you should buy lots of molasses cookies and send them over, wrapped in plain brown paper and labelled "For Penny Only."

Well, that's about all I can think of for now. I have to go tidy up my resume in case milk prices continue on their present downward slide. I'm thinking about working in the alcoholic beverage industry, which tends to be relatively recession-proof.

Love,

Penny